Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
