now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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