Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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