K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
