All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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