i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i drank out of a bidet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
