dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
love makes seman taste better
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
