Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
