You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
