I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I met the friendliest cop last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
