my room smells like sperm. sweet.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
