im drinking this country out of the recession.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize