Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
