I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
