She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
