Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
