I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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