I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You don't make any sense
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