i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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