i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
