i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
