I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
