I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
