I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
