so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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