whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
