My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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