Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Randomize