Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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