Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
