Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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