I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
