your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
