i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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