My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
