well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
