i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
