All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
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