toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
