Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
