Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
