A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't deserve a penis
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
