It was confusing and full of hummus
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
