can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
