I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
