He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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