I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
