i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
