How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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