It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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