I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
