On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
