He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
