i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
