Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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