Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
